


Kakuzu is a Commbank manager and Hidan is a Centrelink dole bludger

by Frostberry



Series: Kakuzu and Hidan being very Australian dickheads [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Stupid shit, hidan calls the police the popo, hidan's a cunt, kmart barbecues, mentions of gumtree, utes, warning very australian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 12:01:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11509002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: Kakuzu and Hidan being asshole serial killers but its set in Australia. Hidan puts a body of a pedo in the council blue lidded bin because he's trash, and Kakuzu drives them to the middle of the outback to dump the body. As per usual nothing actually goes to plan and every fucks up along the way.





	Kakuzu is a Commbank manager and Hidan is a Centrelink dole bludger

“What do you want this time? Another loan?”

  
“No,” said Hidan. “I may have… _accidentally_ killed someone.”

  
“Accidentally,” Kakuzu deadpanned, looking up from his CommBank tablet that all the employees of Commonwealth Bank seem to carry around with them.

  
“I need to borrow your ute.” 

  
Kakuzu growled and Hidan stepped right in front of him.

“Please help me, Kakuzu.” Hidan was wearing a bintang singlet, as if he’d been to Bali, which he hadn’t, and Target shorts. The Australia-Day thongs he was wearing must have purchased for a dollar from Cheap as Chips after the 26th of January. He looked very different to Kakuzu in his yellow tie and black and white suit.

“I’m at work.”  


“Yeah, no shit.” Hidan looked around and looked at the unhappy queue behind him. They didn’t seem to give any facial expressions away at Hidan casually announcing that he had killed someone. “Come on, buddy. I will personally, in fact, go with you to like, Ladbrokes and you can use my money for betting, or I’ll buy you Oz Lotto tickets for your birthday-”

  
“You don’t have any money.”

  
“I know, that’s why - that's why I'm here. I need petrol money, and your ute. And maybe a big fat fucking loan.”

  
Kakuzu sighed and pointed at little office on the opposite side of the teller que. “Get in.”

  
“Commonwealth Bank employees can help anyone. So you gotta help me! But what’s the quote? Say the quote. Y’know, the one from the advert.” Hidan badgered on, opening the door that had _Kakuzu - Bank Manager_ written on a nice little clean plaque.  


“...CommBank can.” said Kakuzu grudgingly. Hidan sat down on the waterproof blue chairs that seem to appear in every bank. Kakuzu sat on the opposite side of the desk purchased from Ikea and probably assembled by him, and Hidan stared at the mouse Kakuzu was using which was one of those weird-ass ones that was just a rotating ball, clicking away every so often. Hidan then took the platypus that was for kids to put their pocket money in and shook it, then looked disappointed as he couldn’t hear any coins that he could scab.

  
Kakuzu made himself busy in case the IT people would snoop into his history, and then went into Hidan’s bank account, which he knew the numbers off by heart and the pin and the three security questions (Which all seem to have the answer ‘fuck off’). His bank balance was negative $135.68, and looking at the transactions it seemed Hidan had fucked off to Mitre 10 yesterday probably to buy a hammer to smash this new person’s head in.

  
“Who did you kill this time?”  


“A dickhead pedo. Can you find out if he has any savings in his bank account? I’m kinda sick of eating mi goreng and those cheese and bacon buns from Coles.” Hidan looked at the computer expectedly. He then started this long-ass explanation about this man, who got arrested the other day for doing ‘pedo things’ and he wasn’t on the ‘pedo register’. The reason for this was because Deidara told him about it.

  
“So where’s the body?” Kakuzu grunted.  


Hidan grinned. “In the bin.”  


“Which bin?”  


“The blue lidded one because it’s the rubbish one, and he’s trash.”  


“How MANY times do I have to tell you to not put dead bodies in council bins!?”  


Hidan rolled his eyes and stared at the ceiling. “Like… twelve times? Like I fucking care. Anyway, so I was at Centrelink with Deidara yesterday because he had to claim some Medicare stuff back and while we were waiting he was on Facebook and the Popo updated their Facebook status and it said that the guy, I forget his name but he’s still a pedo, lived on the street behind us, but they let him go because he was a fucking nutcase. He still lives there and apparently he’s put an electric fence up so the Today Tonight reporters can’t get in. Then someone mentioned in the comments what his car rego was on it because they caught him after he was on the run. What a cunt.”

  
“Yep.”  


“So yeah, after going to Centrelink I walked home, fed your dog for you-”  


“I hope you didn’t feed him this man you are going on about.”  


“No.” There was a pause. “Just kibble.”  


“Good.” Kakuzu resumed typing.  


“And went to Mitre 10, brought a hammer and some tarp. So last night I got a bucket of water, and broke into his house.”  


“Why did you have a bucket of water?”  


Hidan frowned. “I wasn’t going to kill him inside.”  


“Right… keep going.” Kakuzu was now pressing denied on a housing application loan on Hidan’s account, so it seemed like Hidan had come in to ask Kakuzu about getting a mortgage.  


“Anywaaaaaaaaaaaay, Pedo-man ran out the house and he tried to jump up the fence, but it’s electric right? So as soon as he got shocked I threw the entire bucket with water in it, and he… yeah, died. Dropped to the floor smoking and he shat himself.”  


“So you put the body in his blue bin.”  


“Well you can’t reuse him so I couldn't put it in the red bin. So I took the bin home, gave my prayers to Lord Jashin, washed him in human fat soap for Jashin’s blessings and now he’s in your backyard. I think I saw you walking to the bus stop when I turned up with the bin. So Pedo-man is clean, but he’s also a bit grotty from being dead.” Hidan made a flap with his hand, as if the body was with him right now and was stinking out the room.

  
Kakuzu looked up with his mouth open. “Why is the man in my backyard?”

  
Hidan shrugged. “I thought if I borrow your ute, then we don’t have to take it to mine and then take it to the cemetery. So can I borrow your ute? When’s your next day off?”  


“...Tomorrow.”  


Hidan clapped his hands. “We’ll go then.”  


Kakuzu rolled his eyes. “Are you done?”  


“Yes,” said Hidan. He then got up, and said loudly enough so the queue outside could hear him, “Thank you very much, Mr Kakuzu! I’m sure my wife will be very happy with your decision.”

  
“You don’t have a wife.” Kakuzu pressed a thumb and forefinger to his head in exasperation. “Get out.”

  
“Whoops, I’m late for a job interview.” Hidan checked his fitbit by tapping it several times to display the time. (It was actually Kakuzu’s old one). Kakuzu moved him out the office. He noticed the queue hadn’t moved, but this was normal for lunchtime.

  
“You? Job interview?” Kakuzu didn’t believe it at all. Hidan wasn’t a liar, but he was a Newstart Piece of Shit, which Kakuzu hating dealing with Centrelink dole bludgers like him who refused to be employed.

  
“Yeah. The job agency told me to apply for something. So I’ve applied to stand in the mall with the Jehovahs and those stands and smile and give out things.”

  
“You don’t get paid for that.”  


“No, no no no no no you don’t understand,” said Hidan, holding his pendant and kissing it. “They’ve got these pamphlets, about like, Watchtowers. So I will give them my Jashin ones instead when I see people. Anyway, I plenty of shit about Jehovahs. They do like, church and things and no blood transfusions and that’s what I know.”

  
The only thing Hidan seemed to know about - as a university drop out of Religion Studies – was what he knew about religion. Unfortunately the one he practised was the most fucked up one in the world and involved human sacrifices, which was why Hidan seemed to borrow Kakuzu’s ute for things like this.

  
Hidan waved at him and raced off, not exactly dressed for a job interview.

That night Kakuzu took the S87X bus home, because parking in the city everyday would cost $28.95 and he was a bit too stingy for that. Kakuzu lived on the edge of a middle class suburb where kids were most likely not vaccinated and mothers jogged with prams every morning and night. The suburb on the other side of the road was the derro ghetto where Hidan and his housemates lived. He lived in a cramped ground floor unit with two other people but spent most of his time bumming around at Kakuzu’s place.

  
The light was on, and Kakuzu knew Hidan was inside. He rattled his keys and felt the blast of the air conditioner once he opened it. He put the keys down on his side table purchased from Oxfam and went into the living room. There, Hidan was sitting with the dog Taki, a labradoodle that was purchased because Hidan bought (stolen) him off Gumtree for $20 before he found out he wasn’t allowed pets in his unit. Also, labradoodles were hypoallergenic and didn’t shed much, so he was allowed on Kakuzu’s couch.  
Hidan was patting the dog absent-mindedly while watching the Kangaroos lose to the Pies spectacularly at the MCG.

  
“Turn that shit off,” said Kakuzu. Taki barked and went to Kakuzu happily, greeting his owner. Kakuzu could smell yoghurt, and it seemed that Hidan had been feeding him Fruche from the fridge.

  
“No.” Hidan got up and padded down the hallway, beckoning Kakuzu to come along - giving him orders in his own fucking house. Kakuzu made Taki stay in the lounge while both of them went out to the neat courtyard with its fake fern plants and the three legged Kmart barbeque Kakuzu never used.

  
The council bin was placed with the other ones that Kakuzu used himself. He knew which one wasn't his, because there was soapy sediment around the edges.  


“Wanna look?”  


Hidan opened the bin for less than second, and then the smell hit both of them hard, and Kakuzu banged it shut. “For fucks sake, Hidan!” He looked around as if his nosy neighbours would look over the tin fence.

  
“Hey! At least he isn’t alive anymore.” Hidan went back inside and grabbed some lynx deodorant, and then proceeded to spray the entire can into the bin, but opened the bin only a crack so it wouldn’t smell. “So when are we leaving?”

  
Kakuzu sighed. “Tomorrow. I’m not dealing with this shit now.” He opened the flyscreen and went back inside, while Hidan shook the can, and realised it had run out. He shrugged and put the entire can in the bin as well. Kakuzu heard the clonk as it hit the man’s skull.

  
Hidan the mooch slept on the couch with Taki that night. He fell asleep to _Rage_ on ABC with the dog next to him. When Kakuzu woke up the next morning, it seemed that Hidan had turned the air conditioner on in all the rooms sometime last night. He stomped downstairs (as he was not a morning person) and thumped him on the head.  


“What the fuck, man!?” He yelped, grabbing a pillow to cover his face.  


“My electricity bill will go through the roof.” Kakuzu growled.  


“Get solar panels instead of being with Origin you fucking dickhead.”

  
Kakuzu ignored him and went into the kitchen to make vegemite and cheese sandwiches for him and Hidan, as they were going on a long trip. Hidan went to check if the lynx spray had worked on the council bin (It hadn’t). Then, he put on _Sunrise_ to check the weather, as for some reason all Australians are obsessed with knowing the weather even though it was February and fucking hot every day.

  
“Forty-three fucking degrees today,” Hidan called to Kakuzu in the kitchen. “I’m gonna slip slop slap so I don’t end up like a leather handbag with skin cancer like you.”

  
Taki barked in agreement. Kakuzu didn’t reply, because if he did then Hidan would snarl something back.

But then they got into a fight anyway over Hidan tripping over the TV cable and pulling the TV out. Kakuzu punched Hidan so hard he fell into the TV with a crack.

  
“At least I know what the weather is today, you fucking idiot.”

  
The TV was in pieces, so Kakuzu would have to go off to JB Hi-Fi to get a new one later. Hidan offered to put the TV in the bin, but then he put the barbeque in the bin too (“You aren’t fucking using it!”). Kakuzu didn’t even care at this point, as it was seven in the morning on a fucking Saturday and he was supposed to go out into the middle of nowhere to shove another one of Hidan’s dead bodies into a grave.

  
He remembered the first time he’d met Hidan, which was only a few years ago. Kakuzu had gotten a bit pissed at an antique book dealer for giving him a second edition instead of a first of Banjo Patterson’s collection of poems and verses, so he dug a grave at the local cemetery. Then he killed the dealer, but he turned up to cemetery at three in the morning to find that some other fucker was also depositing a body into the same grave. Kakuzu had pushed Hidan into the shallow grave in anger, but then he jumped out and slashed him in the face with a knife, which required Kakuzu to get stitches on his cheeks. He still had the scars to this day.

  
And that’s how they became “friends”.

  
(Or murder buddies, as Hidan happily called them).

The sandwiches were now glad-wrapped and put in the esky, several cans of soft drink were put in ice and Hidan had gone to the BP on the corner and bought two packets of Twisties which were on special for two for $2.50 and they were all set to go.

Kakuzu opened up his shed to set up his ute by checking the oil and water, while Hidan bounced away into the courtyard to sort out the bin. Kakuzu only had this ute for depositing bodies. Putting tarp on the tray, Hidan came into the shed with the council bin, which he had duck taped (“It’s duct-tape, not duck tape, you moron…”) the lid all over so fluids and the body wouldn’t come out. They put a few things around the bin, which was camping gear that they never used but had it just in case they got pulled over, and then put more tarp over it. Hidan swung down from the tray using the bars on top of the ute and roped it down. “Excellent.”

  
They left Taki with a neighbour with unvaccinated kids, and hopped into the ute and left. They barely got past the BP when Hidan suddenly asked, “Are we there yet?”

  
Kakuzu smacked him.

  
Hidan wiped his bloody nose on his bintang singlet and then reached over and wiped it on Kakuzu. Kakuzu didn’t even hit him back for it. Hidan laughed with that crazy shrieking sound he did, rolling down the windows. Kakuzu pulled the Garmin GPS off the window.

  
“Put the directions in for me.”

  
Hidan for once, actually did what he was told, then put on the radio, shouting ‘WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEEEEE….” out the window to Shannon Noll’s cover of Moving Pictures. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH AND I WANT MY SHARE, CAN’T YOU SEEEEEEE?????????”

  
Kakuzu turned the radio off.  


“Wanna play iSpy?”  


“No. We have five hours to go,” Kakuzu changed gears and they got onto the expressway up North, revving up to 100km/hr and hearing the tarp rattle away behind them.

  
“No, four hours and thirty minutes,” Hidan pointed at the GPS which displayed the arrival time of the cemetery. “iSpy with my little eye, something beginning with C.”  


“Cunt.”  


Hidan pretended to look shocked. “How did you know?”  


Kakuzu smirked. “I know these things.”

  
Within the hour Hidan had already eaten all the sandwiches and a packet of Twisties. He offered to pay for Maccas but in fact that meant Kakuzu had to do that because Hidan had minus $138.68 in his account. The radio had to be turned off because Hidan kept switching stations and making racist comments. They left the city now and were in farmland, where it was nothing but fields, the occasional emu herd clogging up the road and locust plagues. It was getting hot. Too hot. The air conditioner was on full blast, although of course this wouldn’t make the dead body any cooler, so when Kakuzu needed petrol Hidan jumped out and got a jerry can full from Shell while Kakuzu drove around waiting.

Back in the ute, they drove a few more hours.

Then something shitty happened.

Hidan was telling Kakuzu about how he believed that the judges on _X Factor_ were secretly Jashinists because they were connected to a set of disappearances ten years ago (he had photos to prove it) when Kakuzu had to put the GPS back in after it accidentally disconnected. Hidan suddenly shrieked and Kakuzu looked up quickly to see a Kangaroo jump in front of the ute and collide with them. There was a loud bang and crunch of metal and Kakuzu swerved onto the other side of the road and barely went into the creek, but into the reeds. The ute shook violently.

  
Hidan was sprouting a torrent of swearing, saying he wasn’t prepared to die just yet because Jashin told him not to. Kakuzu shut the engine off, and pulled the door open, going into the reeds and hoping there was no snakes in them. He got prickles stuck into his socks. Hidan jumped out the other side and inspected the front. There were bits of fur sticking out the vents, blood wiped over the lights.

  
“Fuu _uuuuuuucccc_ ck,” said Hidan loudly. He looked over at the dead kangaroo on the other side of the dirt road. The head was hanging off an angle and blood was mixing in with the dirt and rocks. “You should have been paying attention.”

  
“Just shut up, shut up,” Kakuzu went to the back and got the esky out. He threw the soft drinks at Hidan and poured the cooling ice - now water - over the front. It didn’t do much, but he managed to get most of the blood off and wipe off the fur.

  
“Oh, thank fuck,” Hidan breathed. “Do you want me to drive?”

  
Kakuzu had been driving for four hours now. He knew where they were, just out of a small country town. He nodded.

Hidan jumped into the driver’s seat, but the engine wouldn’t turn on. “You gotta be fucking KIDDING me,” Hidan lost his temper and hit the horn, which beeped back at him. At least that was working. If he’d hit it any harder the airbag would have come out and suffocated him. He turned to Kakuzu. “You gotta call the RAE.”

  
“No.”  


“Why not!?” Hidan snapped.  


“Because we have a dead body in the tray!” Kakuzu hissed. “The RAE could look, and they’ll want to know what that smell is-”  


“We can’t dump him here, we gotta get to the fucking cemetery, Jesus fucking Christ on a bike…” Hidan whipped out his phone (also Kakuzu’s old mobile) and squinted at the screen. “Fucking Vodafone…”

  
“For fuck’s sake,” Kakuzu badgered him out of the car and he opened the seat behind him. “At least Telstra has signal.” He threw his phone at Hidan, who promptly called the RAE. “Next time get a plan where you can get signal in the country.”

  
“We have half an hour,” said Hidan. He hung up, and gave him back his phone.

  
The RAE man came around in his yellow van forty-five minutes later.  


“Have you got any food?” Hidan asked. “We’ve been driving for days. Like, four hours.”

  
The man laughed. “Sorry mate, ain’t got no snags and no nothin’ for smoko.” Hidan slightly cringed at the country bogan, because he was a city man through and through and didn’t like anything that was different to what he was used to. The RAE man was very chatty, fiddling around with the front of Kakuzu’s ute.

  
“So what’ya up to, ‘round these areas?”  


“...Camping,” said Kakuzu, feeling sweat trickle down his neck. It was getting hotter and hotter and it wasn’t even lunchtime yet.

  
“Fuckin’ great. In the arvo they’re opening up the caravan park, but that’s on the town over, it’s not too far, only four hundred kilometres away,” said the RAE man.

Hidan cringed even more. Ew.  


“Yes, that is where we are going,” said Kakuzu. He didn’t say any more, because Kakuzu wasn’t a sociable person. Hidan talked to the man about God for a bit, which Kakuzu ignored because well, religion, and then the man argued with Hidan about calling people drongos as apparently it was a shitty word and Hidan wouldn’t use it, because he preferred to use the word cunt instead. Before he left, Hidan offered him the last twisties. He went back into the driver’s seat.

“He didn’t even fucking talk about the dead body smell.”  


Kakuzu shrugged. “Might have not noticed it.”

  
They finally reached the cemetery when it was one thirty. Gumtrees surrounded the cemetery, and galahs were shrieking away. Bull ants went crazy as the ute approached. It was an abandoned cemetery which Hidan used to put his sacrifices. It was a pretty good tactic, because nobody ever came here and nobody checked cemeteries for missing people. The gate was rusty and hot to the touch, and Hidan wanted to run it over because it would just crack but Kakuzu reminded him that it was his ute and his insurance.

  
Hidan purposely drove over a few graves and then he stopped in the corner, where there was an unidentified grave with a broken angel statue hovering over it. The very occasional rain had washed the names of the people on the headstone away; and left no marks. This grave was their current dumping ground.

  
About a year ago they’d used a saw to carefully break away the mound then dug a few metres using a small tractor Hidan had stolen from a farm one night. Currently, there were four bodies dumped in here, three of them were Hidan’s sacrifices and one of them was a hitchhiker Kakuzu had run over when he was mad once. On top of the bodies was a small tank so the dirt wouldn’t cave in.

  
They removed the mound carefully, as it hadn’t rained since the last time they’d been here so the dirt was rock solid. Kakuzu grunted as he managed to get the tank out while Hidan crawled over the tarp on the ute to get hold of the council bin that Pedo-man was in. He peered down to see four skeletons all dumped into one hole, one and a half hours from the nearest town. He didn’t feel anything for them.

  
Because he didn’t fucking care.

  
Hidan got the heavy bin down, and got his army knife out of his shorts. He was sweating in the sun, because forty-three fucking degrees was hot. “That soap and lynx must be working,” he mumbled, grinning like a fucking nutcase serial killer (which he was). The knife cut easily into the duct tape and he ripped it off. Hidan hummed loudly. The cicadas were going crazy and all Kakuzu could smell was the thick scent of dust and eucalyptus.  


“In you go,” said Hidan cheerfully, pushing the bin down so that the body could slide out and dump itself onto the four skeletons below.  


However, Kakuzu flew into a rage as he saw his TV and his barbecue fall out the bin.  


“YOU BROUGHT THE WRONG BIN.”  


“I-I-I... FUCK.”

 

\- End -

 


End file.
